the Clampitt Drysdale duel
by jediknigh5
Summary: My first "Beverly Hillbillies" fiction. Due to Jethro's reading about duels, Elly May and a certain Drysdale find themselves engaged in one.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

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When Milburn Drysdale returned home from work his wife Margaret ran up to him frantic, rambling incoherently about their neighbors. Mr Drysdale silently wondered "Why do I bother coming home? I'm always happiest at the bank. She can't divorce me unless it's for abuse or adultery. I should just live at the bank."

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Drysdale: What is it now Margaret?

Margaret: It's those awful hill people again. Even you'll have to support them being evicted after this.

Drysdale: That's not likely.

Margaret: Do you love them more than me?

Drysdale: I don't think you really want an answer to that.

Margaret: That young woman, Ellie May, I can't bring myself to say it.

Drysdale: My god, she's not hurt is she?

Margaret: She threatened to hurt me.

Drysdale: But she's okay?

Margaret: She challenged me to a duel.

Drysdale: If it's a cooking challenge, I'd accept. You're about evenly matched with her on that.

Margaret: I mean she challenged me to pistols at dawn.

Drysdale: You're serious, this is awful.

Margaret: Finally, you grasp the seriousness of this.

Drysdale: Ofcourse this is serious. I'll go over and talk to Jed immediately, try to stop this whole thing.

Margaret: Thank you Milburn.

Drysdale: No thanks are neccessary. I'll never let any member of the Clampitt family go to prison for killing you.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

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Mr Drysdale rushed over to the Clampitt house. He didn't see Jed yet but he saw Elly May and Jethro arguing. He was trying to convince his cousin she couldn't fight in a duel. Hopefully she would listen to one of them.

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Drysdale: Elly May, Jethro, did one of you challenge my wife to a duel?

Elly May: I did, because she insulted my granny.

Jethro: And I keep telling you, women can't fight in duels.

Elly May: Can so.

Jethro: Can not!

Elly May: Can so!

Drysdale: Please, let's talk about this. How did this all get started?

Jethro: I was reading about how men challenge each other to duels over insults, and personal honer. And this dumb girl thinks she can do it too.

Elly May: You call me dumb again and I'll whoop you good.

Drysdale: Please, my wife doesn't want to fight any duels. She's never eve handled a pistol.

Elly May: So what do I do now.

Jethro: Well, there is something called "Seconds."

Elly May: What does that mean?

Jethro: If mrs Drysdale doesn't want to fight, as the challenged she has the right to have her husband fight in her place.

Drysdale: WHAT?

Elly May: So I fight mr Drysdale?

Jethro: No?

Drysdale: Thank God.

Jethro: I fight Drysdale in a duel.

Drysdale: No you don't.

Jethro: Sure, the men fight duels for their women.

Elly May: Well I'm the one who challenged mrs Drysdale. So if anyone fights him it's me.

Drysdale: Noone's fighting a duel.

Jethro: Well, I guess as Elly May issued the challenge she gets to fight.

Elly May: Good cause I ain't gonna kill.

Drysdale: Bless you.

Elly May: I'm just gonna fire a little over your head.

Drysdale: How little?

Jethro: See you at dawn mr Drysdale.

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As mr Drysdale walked home he tried to think of a way out of this. At least Elly May wouldn't try to murder him, but she would be shooting at him, and she wasn't a perfect shot. He thought about this for a moment. "Am I really risking my life to keep their account? Ofcourse I am. But maybe I can con someone else into taking my place." One name leaped to mind, Jane Hathaway.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

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Jane Hathaway had put up with a lot working for Milburn Drysdale over the years. But him volunteering her for a duel was crossing the line, even for him. Ms Hathaway decided to protect herself, and get revenge, at the same time. She went over to speak with Elly May.

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Elly May: Howdy ms Jane. Are you really going to fight me in the duel?

Jane: In a way. You see, I've been doing some reading about the proper ettiquette for petticoat duels. You see, mr Drysdale took his wife's place, so he has to take the risk. I'm only allowed to participate because I'm a better shot than him.

Elly May: I don't understand.

Jane: Basically, we each walk with our ten paces, with our pistols. I fire at you, and I promise to miss you. Then, you fire at mr Drysdale.

Elly May: So I shoot at him and not you?

Jane: Correct. But I want to be clear, you shouldn't kill him. That would also violate dueling ettiquette.

Elly May: Okay, I'll just shoot a little over his head.

Jane: Exactly how little?

Elly May: I promise I won't kill him.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

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Mr Drysdale showed up at the Clampitt estate before sunrise. He was grateful that Elly May and ms Hathaway weren't actually planning to kill each other. But he had to not only promise her a raise, he had to put it in writing. Still, she was risking her life a little, and this was keeping the Clampitt fortune in his bank. Elly May and Jane Hathaway each took a pistol and they walked ten paces in opposite directions. Ms Hathaway fired first, she shot right into the ground, nowhere near Elly May. Jethro remarked that if she was a better shot, he would hate to see how bad mr Drysdale was. Then Elly May took her shot, and fired right over mr Drysdale's head. It was so close, he felt the bullet touch his hair. This caused mr Drysdale to faint. When he woke up Granny was tending to him, Jed was here too.

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Jed: You feeling allright mr Drysdale?

Drysdale: Yes, the excitement was just more than I expected.

Jed: I'm sorry about what Jethro and Elly May did. I can promise you they have given up this fool nonsense about dueling.

Drysdale: Thank you mr Clampitt.

Granny: Now, as your doctor, I just have to make sure you're okay.

Drysdale: I feel fine Granny.

Granny: I wouldn't be doing my duty as a doctor if I didn't perform a proper examination. I'll just get my tools.

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Before Granny could get her tools mr Drysdale was out the door. Granny saw him running, he was a stubborn man. Everytime Granny offered him medical treatment he showed he was physically fit, even showed exactly how fast he could run.


End file.
